Although I'm running a lot, I'm also doing other diet and exercise.
The diet is difficult because I need to actively monitor EVERYTHING that I eat. I find that if I'm home, I'll eat less because I'm so sick of cooking for my health. It takes time. Time to wash things, time to eat the hundreds of edamame, and time away from everything else in my life that's important (like blogging). But in the end, a healthy diet is probably the most significant component of losing weight for MY body.
The exercise (more anaerobic than aerobic) is great because it keeps my high health standards at optimal levels during the days between runs. It's only 10 minutes a day so I don't strain myself for the runs. I make sure to stretch because it keeps the body in a green-light mode where you can just turn up your activity levels without feeling tightness, fatigue, etc.
I don't have the system together to a point where I'm happy, but it'll get there. I'm just finding what works for me right now. There has been a lot of progress but I'm tired of waiting. I demand to see results when I put this much work in, but that's not how exercise works, and that's not how my body works.
I'm going to have to start documenting this a lot better. It will be good to reflect on all of this progress later. But it will be personal documentation. The writing is great because I can actually look at my accomplishments (you can also observe your own body to see results but the way you see yourself in the mirror is through the most biased lenses of personal reflection) and know exactly how I felt at that time. I won't want to go to a time before. This is my third time losing a substantial amount of weight. The first time...I really don't know how I did it, but I remember it sucked and I didn't get much sleep. The second time was great, and a hell of an effort, but gaining (thanks English language for making gaining sound good) the weight back was remarkably depressing. I had to block it out of my mind, but it really caught up with me.
Growing up, I was fat. So long and thanks for all of the burritos, family. It wasn't the best thing in the world. Being fat in East Los Angeles public schools was terrible. You were a target when you hung out before school, during class, between classes, during lunch, and after school. You always had to keep your guard up. Kids in East LA weren't mean, they were ruthless. But it's a tired story because everyone goes through with it.
I hated it. Why keep going back? It almost seems like there is a futility tied to my metabolism, that no matter what I do, I'll always end up fat. No matter how much I exercise, I'll always go back! And that's what makes it so hard to get off the couch and go outside for a run. And it's almost impossible to do it consistently when I know that I'll either quit afterward, feel totally insecure and have a horrible experience, or that it will have minimal impact and the lack of results means the work is not worth it. I mean, I already gained the weight back once (and in the process destroyed all of my previous progress). Why even bother?
Well, I'm taking years off of my life with that mentality. I'm stumbling around in depression. I'm letting emotion rule my life instead of reason. And it's frustrating. So when I go out to run now, I have to abandon my previous notion of exercise. I have to feel confident and trust that the work I put in right now will pay off in dividends. I know that exercise isn't something that I'll do this summer, or this fall, or to get ready for Christmas where I see all of my family, or to get ready for the next reunion...it's something I'll be doing for the rest of my life. So I can't afford to take a break, ever.
It's a question of motivation, of confidence, self-esteem, etc. Because of our environments, it's also heavily dependent on how stressful our lives may be, how much time we have to devote to exercise (in all honesty, if you have NO time, time to exercise = how much you sleep - 20 minutes). And those are the questions that really affect our lifestyles. I haven't noticed a significant increase in drive, so I don't recognize that the exercise so far has increased my overall stamina, energy during the day, etc. (I'm sure it has, but like looking yourself in the mirror, it can be difficult to see progress). It has been good overall and I can't stop living this way for me, for my family, and for my future.
It's not easy, but then again, it's not the Dark Ages and I'm not fearing for my life every day, I'm not a slave, I'm not a prisoner...I'm free and I have the freedom to make good choices for my body. I need to choose not to embrace a sedentary lifestyle because it would be a terrible decision to let myself get carried away with laziness and carelessness. It's not exactly the best environment (America: the recipe for getting fat) to grow up around, but there are many tools and resources and people that are willing to work with you to turn your life around and excel in every aspect (and squash each insecurity, shortcoming). We're privileged in this way. And ultimately, that's why I think we should all vote for Harry Mitchell this November. Thank you and goodnight.
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