Trudging along into week 6.
I just finished a 5 on 3 off 8 on 3 off 5 on run (on=run/off=walk...there's got to be a better way to represent these patterns). It was very uneventful, not as cold as my last run (my 20 minute run was freezing!), and the sun was out. The sun was out. That's pretty specific.
Anyway, I usually write like a bore when I am uninspired. But do I feel uninspired? Well, let's think of what would qualify me as uninspired: Tired, lazy, bored, HUNGRY oh okay, so we found the diagnosis. I'm also ready to jump in the shower and I highly recommend showering before plopping into a seat to blog about running experiences. So I feel on edge!
This first day of running was kind of cool. I started on a Saturday (breaking out of the idea that calendar weeks mean anything), meaning that I will continue my Week 6 program into the work week. After that 20 minute run, I didn't feel like I had the energy to do a continuous 20 minutes, let alone a sum of 18. This wasn't too discouraging, and I kept trudging along. I trudged, and the quality of my trudge was just enough to keep me from hurting myself. Most people have complained of Week 6 as another beast entirely, but I think the problem may just lie in not listening to your body. Your body will know when you should run. Your body will tell you that "Hey maybe you don't want to run today, maybe your legs are tired, maybe you do want to reach into the freezer...just touch the ice cream...feels cold doesn't it...yum...isn't...it?"
But taking an extra day was a great idea. I haven't eaten much today but two slices of toast, which is usually not a good idea. So the qualities of my ideas have balanced out into an average running experience, and as a consequence, an average blogging experience.
Saturday, November 27, 2010
Wednesday, November 24, 2010
Couch to 5k W5D3 REPEAT THEN SUCCESS!
So last week I couldn't hang with Week 5's expectations. The third day just destroyed me and I couldn't run more than 10 minutes straight. Which is phenomenal, because I ran 20 minutes straight today no problem.
HUGE MILESTONE.
This is the longest continuous time interval I've run in my entire life. I'm pretty confident about that statement.
When I was in New Orleans recently, I ate a TON of the finest, greasiest, tastiest foods they had to offer. I had grilled oysters dipped in garlic and butter that were so incredible I have the urge to fly back to New Orleans just to try them again. And I lost 1 pound while I was there. I AM FLABBERGASTED.
How did I manage to do that? Well I was at a conference. This meant walking around or standing on my feet for hours at a time. But it also meant that I had ample access to free food. And believe me, string cheese, muffins, pizza, and Dr. Pepper is not the best diet in the world. But I prevailed.
And I lost a pound. I know what's going on. My metabolism is working again. For a long time it shut down, and it only caused my depression to gain strength. I now know that whenever I feel slightly depressed, I need to exercise. It makes my mood dramatically improve. It's frightening how dramatic the change can be. Previously, combined with unhealthy eating habits and a sedentary lifestyle, I was able to stay depressed in a vicious cycle. This was so incredibly dangerous! Now I can run for 20 consecutive minutes! I could not have imagined this six months ago.
I didn't glance at my stopwatch until 13 minutes had elapsed from start. I felt awesome right from the beginning. My legs felt incredibly powerful (I'd never felt what they were doing before) and my breathing was great the entire run. I checked my watch again at 19 minutes and I even tried to run for about 30 seconds near the end, but then my quads started to give out, and I could have fallen if I didn't stop. It was a weird feeling. But my final run time was 20 minutes 12 seconds.
The walk home was the best post-run walk I've had. To say I felt good is an understatement. I'm looking forward to the next long run, but I'm going to start Week 6 mid-week instead. Week 6 will culminate in a 25 minute run.
The rest had a lot to do with my success. By sleeping well and eating OK, I've been able to really build up strength. I've also been doing limited weight lifting and leg lifts to improve my core strength. I have not noticed the effects yet, but I'm sure they're operating.
Week 5 ended on a very disappointing note, but I'm glad I went back and absolutely owned that run. I'm excited to start and polish off Week 6.
HUGE MILESTONE.
This is the longest continuous time interval I've run in my entire life. I'm pretty confident about that statement.
When I was in New Orleans recently, I ate a TON of the finest, greasiest, tastiest foods they had to offer. I had grilled oysters dipped in garlic and butter that were so incredible I have the urge to fly back to New Orleans just to try them again. And I lost 1 pound while I was there. I AM FLABBERGASTED.
How did I manage to do that? Well I was at a conference. This meant walking around or standing on my feet for hours at a time. But it also meant that I had ample access to free food. And believe me, string cheese, muffins, pizza, and Dr. Pepper is not the best diet in the world. But I prevailed.
And I lost a pound. I know what's going on. My metabolism is working again. For a long time it shut down, and it only caused my depression to gain strength. I now know that whenever I feel slightly depressed, I need to exercise. It makes my mood dramatically improve. It's frightening how dramatic the change can be. Previously, combined with unhealthy eating habits and a sedentary lifestyle, I was able to stay depressed in a vicious cycle. This was so incredibly dangerous! Now I can run for 20 consecutive minutes! I could not have imagined this six months ago.
I didn't glance at my stopwatch until 13 minutes had elapsed from start. I felt awesome right from the beginning. My legs felt incredibly powerful (I'd never felt what they were doing before) and my breathing was great the entire run. I checked my watch again at 19 minutes and I even tried to run for about 30 seconds near the end, but then my quads started to give out, and I could have fallen if I didn't stop. It was a weird feeling. But my final run time was 20 minutes 12 seconds.
The walk home was the best post-run walk I've had. To say I felt good is an understatement. I'm looking forward to the next long run, but I'm going to start Week 6 mid-week instead. Week 6 will culminate in a 25 minute run.
The rest had a lot to do with my success. By sleeping well and eating OK, I've been able to really build up strength. I've also been doing limited weight lifting and leg lifts to improve my core strength. I have not noticed the effects yet, but I'm sure they're operating.
Week 5 ended on a very disappointing note, but I'm glad I went back and absolutely owned that run. I'm excited to start and polish off Week 6.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Baseline
I need to figure out who I am. I have an idea of what I like and don't like, what I'd prefer to say and not say, what I tend to say and don't say...tendencies, habits, etc. I know what I do, how I act, how I respond...but I don't know what this makes me. I suppose if we add up all of my experiences, we arrive at the conclusion that "This is B and he is the sum of these infinitesimal experiences."
But I can't add up all of these experiences because I forget them. I write some of them down, but I simply can't keep track of all of my actions, thoughts, etc. I'm also always changing. People may keep some sort of consistency, some may change more than others, but it's probably too complex to explain mathematically. We can use concepts to explain (and grossly simplify) moods, tendencies, etc., by saying someone is "aggressive" which is a relative, qualitative, but not a valuable descriptor. But it's satisfying. Most people are content with their definition of "aggressive" even if they don't understand the word, but associate with the feeling of "aggressive". It's these poor, qualitative understandings which make the possibility of a strict quantitative understanding more desirable. But I don't know if it's practical or possible to accurately model these traits, descriptors, etc. quantitatively. It might be in a few hundred years. But I'm not a neuroscientist, nor am I an asshole who looks up ideas on Wikipedia as a basis for creating a hypothesis, so I am not confident on where to start.
I'm convinced I have a baseline. A quantitative character that has a mean value, infrequent spikes, a multi-dimensional potential spectrum of actions or emotions at any given time that is constrained by my environment, my state of mind, my conscious state, etc. And I want to approach this baseline in a qualitative way while thinking of it in a quantitative way. There's potential pitfalls here, and I'm sure I'll discover them as I get deeper into this way of thinking.
I have to approach it in this way because I don't know how to calculate or normalize my quantitative baseline. Nor do I know how to describe myself relative to any other baseline, or even accurately compare myself to other humans, if only able to say I'm "more or less of an asshole than my friend X".
So what am I proposing? Not sure yet. But I'll get there. I want to explore this idea further. But I'm interested enough so that I'm certain I will develop this idea.
It's an attempt at being scientific while failing to be science. I can't perform this test on myself and assume that my results will be accurate, precise, or both. But I'm going to try to resemble science. If I approach this scientifically, it will be "less credible" but not "complete bullshit".
So it sounds largely unfocused, all over the place, full of ignorance. This is how I like to start ideas (and ironically, how some people end them). I LOVE to start ideas this way. It's not exciting for the reader (and potentially very frustrating). But its progression attempts to consider all possibilities, while assuming that all new ideas are subject to immense criticism. When I hear an idea, my immediate reaction is to beat the hell out of it with argument. So I pound the hell out of ideas until I'm left with only what I understand.
This is a point which contributes both to my understanding of my baseline and the idea of a baseline. I want to approach understanding of both by methodically going over a long list of topics.
So where do I stand right now? I suppose I would benefit from additional information about myself. This isn't so much about understanding my concept of a baseline, but rather my own baseline, which makes this problem solving increasingly unscientific. My goal isn't to be able to describe myself, but to know myself better. The two ideas are separate in my mind. But I can use them complementary.
How would I describe myself without lying? This is certainly where the unscientific aspects of this investigation reveal themselves. I'm going to assume that I'm being completely rational, insightful, and truthful. This will obviously be a shortcoming of the investigation and perhaps later I can come up with a bullshit theory that describes the standard deviation of my own descriptions of myself to get an idea of the immense error associated with my descriptions. It would be a fun exercise in futility.
What are my strengths and weaknesses?
I'm Smart, Funny, Self-aware, Intellectual, Confident, Wise, Patient, and Focused.
I'm Insecure, Defensive, Emotional, Insensitive, Lazy, Irresponsible, Undisciplined, and Wasteful.
It's likely that the ones I listed first are more truthful (at least in the way I see myself or how others have expressed seeing me). What's encouraging is that I have very valuable strengths and weaknesses that can be easily nurtured.
Weaknesses: It feels weird to write about these. I feel insecure, emotional, and defensive in anticipation of my conclusions. I've dealt with insecurity (and its many violent shades) for a very long time. I suppose I'm naturally defensive. I can become very emotional because I make a substantial effort to suppress my emotions. As a result I'm not easily offended, but when something breaks that layer I can become very defensive. But it takes a lot. It's funny that Insecure, Defensive, and Emotional go so well together, as Insensitive, Lazy, and Irresponsible go together. For ease I suppose I can characterize the two as IDE and ILI. IDE seems to be more external emotion and ILI seems to be more internal. I struggle with ILI in that there are situations in which I can become IL&I. I can put on weight, lose discipline, lose track of my priorities (stop caring), and enter depression. It just sounds like depression. If it looks like depression, sounds like depression, and walks like depression, it probably needs Xanax.
But I'm not depressed right now, which is good. I've been able to counteract previous depression with a solid exercise regimen, lots and lots of book-reading (this is a new, awesome habit), and a strict devotion to excellence in my studies (which, when I don't execute, gives me depression!). I'll sometimes get depressive thoughts as a result of minor failures, but I'm convinced that's just life. That may take some unconvincing. I don't know how bad my depressions are relative to others, so I can't make conclusions. I am confident that I don't have "depression horror stories" that I often hear, and I've never once felt like I don't want to get out of bed, or that things are pointless...so I suppose that's a good thing. I also don't drink or do drugs so I'm always able to clearly focus on my problems or shortcomings.
I'm devoted to improving myself. I'm already doing fairly well, but I see tremendous room for improvement.
And of my strengths? I think very highly of myself so it's concerning when I don't meet my potential. I cannot be shaken from the idea that I'm smart, funny, or self-aware. I'm satisfied with these strengths and will continue to nurture them and the rest that I listed. My strengths almost nurture themselves naturally, so the majority of my focus goes into my weaknesses.
This raised some interesting questions as I wrote, and I'm going to have to go back and reassess my perspective. I know there is a lot of work in approaching a suitable way to analyze myself. At least a personally satisfying method. Interesting.
But I can't add up all of these experiences because I forget them. I write some of them down, but I simply can't keep track of all of my actions, thoughts, etc. I'm also always changing. People may keep some sort of consistency, some may change more than others, but it's probably too complex to explain mathematically. We can use concepts to explain (and grossly simplify) moods, tendencies, etc., by saying someone is "aggressive" which is a relative, qualitative, but not a valuable descriptor. But it's satisfying. Most people are content with their definition of "aggressive" even if they don't understand the word, but associate with the feeling of "aggressive". It's these poor, qualitative understandings which make the possibility of a strict quantitative understanding more desirable. But I don't know if it's practical or possible to accurately model these traits, descriptors, etc. quantitatively. It might be in a few hundred years. But I'm not a neuroscientist, nor am I an asshole who looks up ideas on Wikipedia as a basis for creating a hypothesis, so I am not confident on where to start.
I'm convinced I have a baseline. A quantitative character that has a mean value, infrequent spikes, a multi-dimensional potential spectrum of actions or emotions at any given time that is constrained by my environment, my state of mind, my conscious state, etc. And I want to approach this baseline in a qualitative way while thinking of it in a quantitative way. There's potential pitfalls here, and I'm sure I'll discover them as I get deeper into this way of thinking.
I have to approach it in this way because I don't know how to calculate or normalize my quantitative baseline. Nor do I know how to describe myself relative to any other baseline, or even accurately compare myself to other humans, if only able to say I'm "more or less of an asshole than my friend X".
So what am I proposing? Not sure yet. But I'll get there. I want to explore this idea further. But I'm interested enough so that I'm certain I will develop this idea.
It's an attempt at being scientific while failing to be science. I can't perform this test on myself and assume that my results will be accurate, precise, or both. But I'm going to try to resemble science. If I approach this scientifically, it will be "less credible" but not "complete bullshit".
So it sounds largely unfocused, all over the place, full of ignorance. This is how I like to start ideas (and ironically, how some people end them). I LOVE to start ideas this way. It's not exciting for the reader (and potentially very frustrating). But its progression attempts to consider all possibilities, while assuming that all new ideas are subject to immense criticism. When I hear an idea, my immediate reaction is to beat the hell out of it with argument. So I pound the hell out of ideas until I'm left with only what I understand.
This is a point which contributes both to my understanding of my baseline and the idea of a baseline. I want to approach understanding of both by methodically going over a long list of topics.
So where do I stand right now? I suppose I would benefit from additional information about myself. This isn't so much about understanding my concept of a baseline, but rather my own baseline, which makes this problem solving increasingly unscientific. My goal isn't to be able to describe myself, but to know myself better. The two ideas are separate in my mind. But I can use them complementary.
How would I describe myself without lying? This is certainly where the unscientific aspects of this investigation reveal themselves. I'm going to assume that I'm being completely rational, insightful, and truthful. This will obviously be a shortcoming of the investigation and perhaps later I can come up with a bullshit theory that describes the standard deviation of my own descriptions of myself to get an idea of the immense error associated with my descriptions. It would be a fun exercise in futility.
What are my strengths and weaknesses?
I'm Smart, Funny, Self-aware, Intellectual, Confident, Wise, Patient, and Focused.
I'm Insecure, Defensive, Emotional, Insensitive, Lazy, Irresponsible, Undisciplined, and Wasteful.
It's likely that the ones I listed first are more truthful (at least in the way I see myself or how others have expressed seeing me). What's encouraging is that I have very valuable strengths and weaknesses that can be easily nurtured.
Weaknesses: It feels weird to write about these. I feel insecure, emotional, and defensive in anticipation of my conclusions. I've dealt with insecurity (and its many violent shades) for a very long time. I suppose I'm naturally defensive. I can become very emotional because I make a substantial effort to suppress my emotions. As a result I'm not easily offended, but when something breaks that layer I can become very defensive. But it takes a lot. It's funny that Insecure, Defensive, and Emotional go so well together, as Insensitive, Lazy, and Irresponsible go together. For ease I suppose I can characterize the two as IDE and ILI. IDE seems to be more external emotion and ILI seems to be more internal. I struggle with ILI in that there are situations in which I can become IL&I. I can put on weight, lose discipline, lose track of my priorities (stop caring), and enter depression. It just sounds like depression. If it looks like depression, sounds like depression, and walks like depression, it probably needs Xanax.
But I'm not depressed right now, which is good. I've been able to counteract previous depression with a solid exercise regimen, lots and lots of book-reading (this is a new, awesome habit), and a strict devotion to excellence in my studies (which, when I don't execute, gives me depression!). I'll sometimes get depressive thoughts as a result of minor failures, but I'm convinced that's just life. That may take some unconvincing. I don't know how bad my depressions are relative to others, so I can't make conclusions. I am confident that I don't have "depression horror stories" that I often hear, and I've never once felt like I don't want to get out of bed, or that things are pointless...so I suppose that's a good thing. I also don't drink or do drugs so I'm always able to clearly focus on my problems or shortcomings.
I'm devoted to improving myself. I'm already doing fairly well, but I see tremendous room for improvement.
And of my strengths? I think very highly of myself so it's concerning when I don't meet my potential. I cannot be shaken from the idea that I'm smart, funny, or self-aware. I'm satisfied with these strengths and will continue to nurture them and the rest that I listed. My strengths almost nurture themselves naturally, so the majority of my focus goes into my weaknesses.
This raised some interesting questions as I wrote, and I'm going to have to go back and reassess my perspective. I know there is a lot of work in approaching a suitable way to analyze myself. At least a personally satisfying method. Interesting.
Saturday, November 20, 2010
Couch to 5k W5D1 W5D2 W5D3
I ran my C25K Week in New Orleans. It was difficult to go out all night and have amazing food and then wake up the next morning and run for a while.
The first two runs (W5D1) (W5D2) were not too bad. I ran the second one in the rain. It wasn't too bad. But the third run I just couldn't do. It was a 20 minute straight run. I got to 10 minutes and stopped. It was like "how am I supposed to continue?" I felt like my body couldn't have run 15 minutes if my life depended on it. I needed a lot of time to recover after the 10 minute run. But I closed it out with an 8 minute run and a 2 minute run. So I tried my hardest to do a 10-10 on minimal rest. I'm going to repeat this past week but restructure it as 10-5-10, 10-2-10, and 15-5-5. I couldn't jump from 8-5-8 to 20. Just in case you're not familiar, the 5 in 8-5-8 is the minutes I would walk instead of run (as a "rest").
I ran along the Mississippi River, at the Riverwalk, and it was a very nice environment for running because lots of other runners were on the path. It definitely didn't help that I was eating a lot this week. I know I would have performed much better otherwise. Could I have completed the 20 minute run? Who knows? My guess is no.
I was also on my feet for about 8-12 hours each day. I was at a conference in New Orleans where I WALKED AND WALKED AND WALKED. So without the conference, I probably would have been able to run the 20 minutes.
It's kind of disappointing, but I'm not that fazed. I'm excited for doing the next week. But blogging about it has become momentarily boring. There is plenty of other stuff to talk about though that is more entertaining.
The first two runs (W5D1) (W5D2) were not too bad. I ran the second one in the rain. It wasn't too bad. But the third run I just couldn't do. It was a 20 minute straight run. I got to 10 minutes and stopped. It was like "how am I supposed to continue?" I felt like my body couldn't have run 15 minutes if my life depended on it. I needed a lot of time to recover after the 10 minute run. But I closed it out with an 8 minute run and a 2 minute run. So I tried my hardest to do a 10-10 on minimal rest. I'm going to repeat this past week but restructure it as 10-5-10, 10-2-10, and 15-5-5. I couldn't jump from 8-5-8 to 20. Just in case you're not familiar, the 5 in 8-5-8 is the minutes I would walk instead of run (as a "rest").
I ran along the Mississippi River, at the Riverwalk, and it was a very nice environment for running because lots of other runners were on the path. It definitely didn't help that I was eating a lot this week. I know I would have performed much better otherwise. Could I have completed the 20 minute run? Who knows? My guess is no.
I was also on my feet for about 8-12 hours each day. I was at a conference in New Orleans where I WALKED AND WALKED AND WALKED. So without the conference, I probably would have been able to run the 20 minutes.
It's kind of disappointing, but I'm not that fazed. I'm excited for doing the next week. But blogging about it has become momentarily boring. There is plenty of other stuff to talk about though that is more entertaining.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Fun Fun Fun Fest 2010 - Saturday!
I'm sitting here with blood on my face. I look like I've just been in an auto accident. But it's a type of imitation blood. And it's thanks to GWAR.
When I arrived in Austin this afternoon, I was very stoked for this weekend (still stoked as I write). I'd been in Austin before for a conference and I enjoyed the city very much. I have a much more open opportunity to explore this time around. I was a fool and booked my hotel 20 minutes from the FFFFest (pronounced ffffft fest) but sometimes you can't beat Priceline on short notice. Unfortunately that meant I needed a rental car. Should have thought this one through more.
But hell with understanding, let's get to the experience! I showed up at 5 pm because I had spent my entire day up to that point traveling/checking in to my hotel. The first band that caught my eye was Os Mutantes. I'd seen them a few years back with The Flaming Lips at the Hollywood Bowl. They left a much deeper impression in my mind this time around. Sergio Dias, lead singer and co-creator of the band in the 1960s, still has remarkable chemistry with his band and displays an obvious passion for his guitar. He was so full of life and energy during the performance. Their spanish lyrics left most audience members a little confused, and as a result Os Mutantes came off as a cute, talented act worthy of a strong applause.
Cap'n Jazz played their final show at FFFFest. Even though Cap'n Jazz has only released one full-length album (which was later included in a comprehensive anthology), they have been a tremendous musical influence in the emo (let's halt debate on emo vs. pop punk vs. whatever the hell you want to call Cap'n Jazz...now) scene. Tim Kinsella has expressed contentment with ending the Cap'n Jazz project and it's noticeable by the way he was visibly exhausted from playing the cornet. His awkward dialogue on stage did nothing to detract from a performance that sounded exactly like the studio versions of Cap'n Jazz's songs. Their famous rendition of "Take on Me" was excellent and fans who were not very familiar with the band were noticeably impressed. Their last show was very nonchalant. Their musical production over the last two decades has labeled them an understated band that had a matching last performance.
After Cap'n Jazz, I headed over to see a very old favorite of mine, The Vandals, from Orange County, CA. The first two acts I witnessed were at the Orange stage, and the next three acts I would watch were at the Black stage. There are four stages in all at the FFF Fest. These are the popular two. At the Black stage, things got a little crazy.
The Vandals were 3/4 complete, consisting of Dave Quackenbush (their hilarious singer), Warren Fitzgerald (their hilarious guitarist), and Joe Escalante (their not-so-hilarious-yet-extremely-talented bassist). Where was Josh Freese??? Who knows, but Derek Grant of Alkaline Trio stepped in for the drum role (pun!). He's been doing that on-and-off since 1998 so he knew the songs pretty well (although Quackenbush [jokingly?] announced Derek had 0 notice and no sound check!). The Vandals played a very powerful set and did it right for the FFF Fest. They stayed within their tight schedule (the bands had about an hour each), played hard and fast, and got the crowd very involved (even though most were there for GWAR and Bad Religion). The Vandals have the ability to sound very contrived yet they often improvise with jokes and their instruments mid-performance to make each song fun to watch and hear. Today was not different, and The Vandals cycled through hits like Pizza Tran, Anarchy Burger, and I Want to be a Cowboy (very fitting for Texas). Warren Fitzgerald led the closing cover of "Don't Stop Me Now" with a child-like enthusiasm as he fell all over the stage and commanded the crowd with direct participation instructions. It was very professional, the pit was rocking with mild oscillations, and many had fun.
Then GWAR played. It took them about 20 minutes after The Vandals played to get going. The Black stage is very large and has a divider in the middle to allow bands to rotate and play back-to-back while letting tear-down take place for the previous band during the current performance. It's a great system...if the bands follow their schedule. But I'll get to that shortly.
GWAR began with theatrics that would have offended any typical citizen. Of any country. GWAR uses rubber, foam, and other composites to construct their elaborate, disgusting models that they pretend to weaponize, violate, and murder while on stage. For example...GWAR opened (good choice of words!) with visuals more than music. Their metal riffs and mastery of guitars were overshadowed during their entire performance by their continuous display of shocking imagery. Their first victims were a couple politicians whose heads they promptly sawed off with their oversized swords. These politicians bled excessive (understatement!) 50 foot streams blood through pressurized units embedded (conveniently) in their necks and onto the crowd for over a minute. This was only the beginning.
GWAR's next song, "Hail, Genocide", was complemented with a dog that was torn open so its entrails fell over the stage, and it was used as a blood gun where its entire volume was emptied on the crowd for the entirety of the song. This is pretty sick. I was covered in the blood pretty quickly. But there was more.
Sarah Palin was also a GWAR victim (who they'll add to the list of famous figures they've brutally tortured and killed onstage). She was cut open and torn from the waist down...and yes, blood was everywhere. Repeat this for every song, add a couple of phalli being eaten, monsters being beaten to death with their own limbs, ressurected, and then beaten to death again. And add other stuff that was unspeakable.
Add 20 minutes past their time as well. While they were having a pleasant massacre, Bad Religion's roadies were infuriated because GWAR had gone well over time. The crowd began to chant BAD RE-LIG-ION to the beat of GWAR's final songs. It wasn't funny anymore. It was time for GWAR to go. So GWAR sprayed the hell out of the Bad Religion chanters. That's when I got the most crap on me. It was annoying. I've never seen anything like it.
Once they got off the stage, Bad Religion's roadies needed 20 more minutes to get their audio checked. Everyone was frustrated, but once the show got underway...
I was about 5 feet from the stage. I figured I wouldn't be standing in the same spot when the show ended. There were at least a thousand crowd members in that area (the Waterloo Park where the FFF Fest is located can hold 10,000) to watch Bad Religion.
Let's get something straight. It's been a while since I've been in the pit. It's been a while since I experienced this type of concert environment. Even so, I knew that standing in the front would be a challenge.
I was crushed from the start. Everyone in the front was being crushed, pushed and pulled side to side, and folks were beginning to fall and get hurt. One girl fell and hit her head pretty badly and had to be seen by medical staff. That's only from what I saw. After getting kicked in the head 5 times from crowdsurfers, punched and headlocked...I had enough and took a spot to the right of the stage. But I was front and center with Greg Graffin for 5 songs. Growing up, I was never able to attend a Bad Religion show because of parental restrictions by very conservative parents. My Bad Religion CDs were always returned to the store. Obviously, that kind of reaction inspires even more interest for the child.
Bad Religion has aged but their performance on this 30th anniversary tour showcases that their talent outweighs any indication of age factoring into their ability. The audience was stoked. Like most punk shows with large crowds, kids will make it to the stage. And many did, jumping into the crowd, and surfing to their favorite songs. Some girls got dropped on their heads. That just happens. Bad Religion captivated with Generator, Against the Grain, Suffer, I Want to Conquer the World, American Jesus, Infected, Sorrow, and their now-infamous closer, Fuck Armageddon This is Hell. It was a furious set and a powerful performance from a band that does not appear to have retirement in sight.
Overall, Saturday was an overwhelming day. I was elated, disturbed, and mesmerized. There was so much cigarette and marijuana smoke (mixed with minimal entrance screening). I'm surprised there wasn't a lot of harder drugs and liquor, but I'm sure that will be exposed tomorrow. People were having heavy make-out sessions, mental-breakdowns, and 1 in 3 nerds had their glasses broken. Sometimes all at once. It wasn't a concert, it was a festival, and I'm very excited for the bands on Sunday.
When I arrived in Austin this afternoon, I was very stoked for this weekend (still stoked as I write). I'd been in Austin before for a conference and I enjoyed the city very much. I have a much more open opportunity to explore this time around. I was a fool and booked my hotel 20 minutes from the FFFFest (pronounced ffffft fest) but sometimes you can't beat Priceline on short notice. Unfortunately that meant I needed a rental car. Should have thought this one through more.
But hell with understanding, let's get to the experience! I showed up at 5 pm because I had spent my entire day up to that point traveling/checking in to my hotel. The first band that caught my eye was Os Mutantes. I'd seen them a few years back with The Flaming Lips at the Hollywood Bowl. They left a much deeper impression in my mind this time around. Sergio Dias, lead singer and co-creator of the band in the 1960s, still has remarkable chemistry with his band and displays an obvious passion for his guitar. He was so full of life and energy during the performance. Their spanish lyrics left most audience members a little confused, and as a result Os Mutantes came off as a cute, talented act worthy of a strong applause.
Cap'n Jazz played their final show at FFFFest. Even though Cap'n Jazz has only released one full-length album (which was later included in a comprehensive anthology), they have been a tremendous musical influence in the emo (let's halt debate on emo vs. pop punk vs. whatever the hell you want to call Cap'n Jazz...now) scene. Tim Kinsella has expressed contentment with ending the Cap'n Jazz project and it's noticeable by the way he was visibly exhausted from playing the cornet. His awkward dialogue on stage did nothing to detract from a performance that sounded exactly like the studio versions of Cap'n Jazz's songs. Their famous rendition of "Take on Me" was excellent and fans who were not very familiar with the band were noticeably impressed. Their last show was very nonchalant. Their musical production over the last two decades has labeled them an understated band that had a matching last performance.
After Cap'n Jazz, I headed over to see a very old favorite of mine, The Vandals, from Orange County, CA. The first two acts I witnessed were at the Orange stage, and the next three acts I would watch were at the Black stage. There are four stages in all at the FFF Fest. These are the popular two. At the Black stage, things got a little crazy.
The Vandals were 3/4 complete, consisting of Dave Quackenbush (their hilarious singer), Warren Fitzgerald (their hilarious guitarist), and Joe Escalante (their not-so-hilarious-yet-extremely-talented bassist). Where was Josh Freese??? Who knows, but Derek Grant of Alkaline Trio stepped in for the drum role (pun!). He's been doing that on-and-off since 1998 so he knew the songs pretty well (although Quackenbush [jokingly?] announced Derek had 0 notice and no sound check!). The Vandals played a very powerful set and did it right for the FFF Fest. They stayed within their tight schedule (the bands had about an hour each), played hard and fast, and got the crowd very involved (even though most were there for GWAR and Bad Religion). The Vandals have the ability to sound very contrived yet they often improvise with jokes and their instruments mid-performance to make each song fun to watch and hear. Today was not different, and The Vandals cycled through hits like Pizza Tran, Anarchy Burger, and I Want to be a Cowboy (very fitting for Texas). Warren Fitzgerald led the closing cover of "Don't Stop Me Now" with a child-like enthusiasm as he fell all over the stage and commanded the crowd with direct participation instructions. It was very professional, the pit was rocking with mild oscillations, and many had fun.
Then GWAR played. It took them about 20 minutes after The Vandals played to get going. The Black stage is very large and has a divider in the middle to allow bands to rotate and play back-to-back while letting tear-down take place for the previous band during the current performance. It's a great system...if the bands follow their schedule. But I'll get to that shortly.
GWAR began with theatrics that would have offended any typical citizen. Of any country. GWAR uses rubber, foam, and other composites to construct their elaborate, disgusting models that they pretend to weaponize, violate, and murder while on stage. For example...GWAR opened (good choice of words!) with visuals more than music. Their metal riffs and mastery of guitars were overshadowed during their entire performance by their continuous display of shocking imagery. Their first victims were a couple politicians whose heads they promptly sawed off with their oversized swords. These politicians bled excessive (understatement!) 50 foot streams blood through pressurized units embedded (conveniently) in their necks and onto the crowd for over a minute. This was only the beginning.
GWAR's next song, "Hail, Genocide", was complemented with a dog that was torn open so its entrails fell over the stage, and it was used as a blood gun where its entire volume was emptied on the crowd for the entirety of the song. This is pretty sick. I was covered in the blood pretty quickly. But there was more.
Sarah Palin was also a GWAR victim (who they'll add to the list of famous figures they've brutally tortured and killed onstage). She was cut open and torn from the waist down...and yes, blood was everywhere. Repeat this for every song, add a couple of phalli being eaten, monsters being beaten to death with their own limbs, ressurected, and then beaten to death again. And add other stuff that was unspeakable.
Add 20 minutes past their time as well. While they were having a pleasant massacre, Bad Religion's roadies were infuriated because GWAR had gone well over time. The crowd began to chant BAD RE-LIG-ION to the beat of GWAR's final songs. It wasn't funny anymore. It was time for GWAR to go. So GWAR sprayed the hell out of the Bad Religion chanters. That's when I got the most crap on me. It was annoying. I've never seen anything like it.
Once they got off the stage, Bad Religion's roadies needed 20 more minutes to get their audio checked. Everyone was frustrated, but once the show got underway...
I was about 5 feet from the stage. I figured I wouldn't be standing in the same spot when the show ended. There were at least a thousand crowd members in that area (the Waterloo Park where the FFF Fest is located can hold 10,000) to watch Bad Religion.
Let's get something straight. It's been a while since I've been in the pit. It's been a while since I experienced this type of concert environment. Even so, I knew that standing in the front would be a challenge.
I was crushed from the start. Everyone in the front was being crushed, pushed and pulled side to side, and folks were beginning to fall and get hurt. One girl fell and hit her head pretty badly and had to be seen by medical staff. That's only from what I saw. After getting kicked in the head 5 times from crowdsurfers, punched and headlocked...I had enough and took a spot to the right of the stage. But I was front and center with Greg Graffin for 5 songs. Growing up, I was never able to attend a Bad Religion show because of parental restrictions by very conservative parents. My Bad Religion CDs were always returned to the store. Obviously, that kind of reaction inspires even more interest for the child.
Bad Religion has aged but their performance on this 30th anniversary tour showcases that their talent outweighs any indication of age factoring into their ability. The audience was stoked. Like most punk shows with large crowds, kids will make it to the stage. And many did, jumping into the crowd, and surfing to their favorite songs. Some girls got dropped on their heads. That just happens. Bad Religion captivated with Generator, Against the Grain, Suffer, I Want to Conquer the World, American Jesus, Infected, Sorrow, and their now-infamous closer, Fuck Armageddon This is Hell. It was a furious set and a powerful performance from a band that does not appear to have retirement in sight.
Overall, Saturday was an overwhelming day. I was elated, disturbed, and mesmerized. There was so much cigarette and marijuana smoke (mixed with minimal entrance screening). I'm surprised there wasn't a lot of harder drugs and liquor, but I'm sure that will be exposed tomorrow. People were having heavy make-out sessions, mental-breakdowns, and 1 in 3 nerds had their glasses broken. Sometimes all at once. It wasn't a concert, it was a festival, and I'm very excited for the bands on Sunday.
Friday, November 5, 2010
Couch to 5k W4D3 Complete!
So today was cool.
I get to the train stop and the train isn't moving. We're at the end of the line, where a train doesn't leave to begin its route until the second train arrives on its separate track, opposite of the train currently waiting at the station. They leave the station for their 1-way route every 12 minutes. Usually the second train arrives at the end of the line right before the first one is to go. So both trains are currently relaxing, with one of the trains cocked. I say cocked because that's essentially the look and message the train is giving. It advances about 25 feet from its starting point and waits 1 minute before it leaves, opening its door one last time, as if to say "I'm about to leave your dumbass". It's intentional.
I sprint to the door of the train and I see it closing as I run the final 25 feet. I press the button to open the door. No response. Press press press PRESS PRESS PRESS SLAM SLAM. Nothing. What the hell? PRESS PRESS PRESS PRESS PRESS. And the train just sits there. I wave my arms to the driver, who is either a) not paying attention, b) smiling cruelly, or more than likely c) just doing his job. The doors were shut and the trip has begun. Even if it's not moving...for the next 30 seconds. I stood at the door of that stupid train and watched as it slowly left the station. What a joke. So I go sit in the train on the opposite track (that is happily resting for the next 12 minutes) and a guy who saw me says "HE WOULDN'T OPEN THE DOOR FOR YOU WHAT A JERK". I nod, and in frustration, do nothing, sit down, and read a book. 12 minutes later, we get cocked. I watch as a guy casually jogs up to the door right next to me and it was like looking in a time-delayed mirror. The door closes, and he begins to pound the button with increasing ferocity. We go from cocked to launch and I watch as he throws up his arms in frustration.
I think he and I will plan to be a few seconds earlier next time.
So I ran today. I finished week 4! I'm pretty stoked about the progress. It was the toughest day I've had and I was gassed. Haven't been sleeping as well, but still sleeping at least 5 hours a night. I need at least 7 if I want to do the next few weeks.
As a recap...the first three minutes were tough. My mind was disconnected from my body was disconnected from my mind. I didn't want to run. But I got dressed, stretched, and ignored how my body or my mind felt. It was like I was going through all the motions from muscle memory. Something else was driving me. I might just be a video game character. I need a health pack and would like to rest for -8- hours and have my HP restored.
The first five minutes were awful. I was gassed. I was dehydrated. Obviously, the next two runs were awful as well. But instead of running 5 minutes at the end, I ran 6. Really trying to push the idea that I will be able to make the next step next week. I want to grab confidence, and I find that trying harder on my final day of the week gives me that impetus.
The sun was out. I ran at 1 pm. It's 88 degrees in Arizona in early November. I find this unsettling. I wish I had the time to run earlier or later on this day, but whatevos.
As a side note, I find it amusing that people write about how they didn't run for C25K. Why would you write about not running? Why won't you just go outside and run instead of blogging? You can do it! Si tu puedes!
I'm so excited that I finished this week. Next week will consist of a dramatic increase in runtime. I mean run time.
5-5-5 (with 3 minutes of walking for the -)
8-8 (with 5 minutes of rest for the -)
20!
20 continuous minutes, holy cow! I can't even focus for 20 minutes, let alone run for that long. I've neverfun run for that long in my life. I actually wrote fun the first time. AWESOME!
This program has really challenged me. It is so cool. Still highly recommend it to anyone. Can repeat weeks, do whatever it takes, run at your own pace and enjoy what the program has to offer. I'm almost half way through!
I get to the train stop and the train isn't moving. We're at the end of the line, where a train doesn't leave to begin its route until the second train arrives on its separate track, opposite of the train currently waiting at the station. They leave the station for their 1-way route every 12 minutes. Usually the second train arrives at the end of the line right before the first one is to go. So both trains are currently relaxing, with one of the trains cocked. I say cocked because that's essentially the look and message the train is giving. It advances about 25 feet from its starting point and waits 1 minute before it leaves, opening its door one last time, as if to say "I'm about to leave your dumbass". It's intentional.
I sprint to the door of the train and I see it closing as I run the final 25 feet. I press the button to open the door. No response. Press press press PRESS PRESS PRESS SLAM SLAM. Nothing. What the hell? PRESS PRESS PRESS PRESS PRESS. And the train just sits there. I wave my arms to the driver, who is either a) not paying attention, b) smiling cruelly, or more than likely c) just doing his job. The doors were shut and the trip has begun. Even if it's not moving...for the next 30 seconds. I stood at the door of that stupid train and watched as it slowly left the station. What a joke. So I go sit in the train on the opposite track (that is happily resting for the next 12 minutes) and a guy who saw me says "HE WOULDN'T OPEN THE DOOR FOR YOU WHAT A JERK". I nod, and in frustration, do nothing, sit down, and read a book. 12 minutes later, we get cocked. I watch as a guy casually jogs up to the door right next to me and it was like looking in a time-delayed mirror. The door closes, and he begins to pound the button with increasing ferocity. We go from cocked to launch and I watch as he throws up his arms in frustration.
I think he and I will plan to be a few seconds earlier next time.
So I ran today. I finished week 4! I'm pretty stoked about the progress. It was the toughest day I've had and I was gassed. Haven't been sleeping as well, but still sleeping at least 5 hours a night. I need at least 7 if I want to do the next few weeks.
As a recap...the first three minutes were tough. My mind was disconnected from my body was disconnected from my mind. I didn't want to run. But I got dressed, stretched, and ignored how my body or my mind felt. It was like I was going through all the motions from muscle memory. Something else was driving me. I might just be a video game character. I need a health pack and would like to rest for -8- hours and have my HP restored.
The first five minutes were awful. I was gassed. I was dehydrated. Obviously, the next two runs were awful as well. But instead of running 5 minutes at the end, I ran 6. Really trying to push the idea that I will be able to make the next step next week. I want to grab confidence, and I find that trying harder on my final day of the week gives me that impetus.
The sun was out. I ran at 1 pm. It's 88 degrees in Arizona in early November. I find this unsettling. I wish I had the time to run earlier or later on this day, but whatevos.
As a side note, I find it amusing that people write about how they didn't run for C25K. Why would you write about not running? Why won't you just go outside and run instead of blogging? You can do it! Si tu puedes!
I'm so excited that I finished this week. Next week will consist of a dramatic increase in runtime. I mean run time.
5-5-5 (with 3 minutes of walking for the -)
8-8 (with 5 minutes of rest for the -)
20!
20 continuous minutes, holy cow! I can't even focus for 20 minutes, let alone run for that long. I've never
This program has really challenged me. It is so cool. Still highly recommend it to anyone. Can repeat weeks, do whatever it takes, run at your own pace and enjoy what the program has to offer. I'm almost half way through!
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Dear Diary
Just so I don't forget, last spring I had a University worker assault me. I wasn't upset, I just thought it was hilarious.
He's a black, tall, mentally retarded man in his early 20s whose job is to be the janitor at various locations on campus. One day, he was patrolling an area that I occupied in front of the Memorial Union at ASU and yelled "GERONIMO!" before crashing his giant trash cart and bruising my right arm, plowing right through me and continuing on at his 5 mph pace. This was hilarious to my friends. I took it like a champ.
But this was only six months ago and I've forgotten it! How bizarre! I was recently reminded by a friend who said he ran into the guy while on campus. This experience would have left my memory. And it's one I wanted to give to my grandchildren. So unfair, brain. I need to write this stuff down! I'm sure I've forgotten many great memories. They're hardly slideshows in my mind, and soon they will be gone, left only with feelings of memories and positive or negative attitude shifts in those directions. Oh well. I suppose only so many memories can actually be memorable. The rest you have to write down.
He's a black, tall, mentally retarded man in his early 20s whose job is to be the janitor at various locations on campus. One day, he was patrolling an area that I occupied in front of the Memorial Union at ASU and yelled "GERONIMO!" before crashing his giant trash cart and bruising my right arm, plowing right through me and continuing on at his 5 mph pace. This was hilarious to my friends. I took it like a champ.
But this was only six months ago and I've forgotten it! How bizarre! I was recently reminded by a friend who said he ran into the guy while on campus. This experience would have left my memory. And it's one I wanted to give to my grandchildren. So unfair, brain. I need to write this stuff down! I'm sure I've forgotten many great memories. They're hardly slideshows in my mind, and soon they will be gone, left only with feelings of memories and positive or negative attitude shifts in those directions. Oh well. I suppose only so many memories can actually be memorable. The rest you have to write down.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Couch to 5k W4D2 WHO LOVES THE SUN
I just ran in the sun to complete Day 2 of Week 4 of Couch to 5k. It sucked!
First of all, I'd run in the evening for a long while now, not only because it's hot during the day (90+ in EARLY NOVEMBER), but because no one is out and I feel much more comfortable this way. It turns out no one wanders the streets of Downtown Mesa anyway because they're all over the age of 65. EXCEPT FOR ME.
It was about 88 degrees outside, according to the Weather Channel. But it feels like 81! Unless you're running, in which case it felt like 97. But anyway, the sun made itself known once I got outside (HI BEN HOW ARE YOU) and smirked at me during the entire run. I'd been avoiding its majesty.
For good reason! It was so hot. But realistically, if I am going to run a 5k, it's not going to be at 1 am, unless it's a 5k through back alleys to raise money for sex offenders. But I hear they don't even stay on the trail.
ANYWAY the first three minutes of today's run were brought to you by the Apple iPod, which I left at work, and I'm totally upset about. So I ran without my music OR without my nocturnal instincts. It was challenging as a result! The three minutes came and went, along with my breath and spirit, and I was so not stoked for the five minute run. When the first five minutes was over, I was feeling fine, a little out of breath, but I knew that the rest of the run was manageable. After all, I've come this far, right?
The next three minutes were easy, but I wish I was done at that point. The next five were labor, and I was gassed by the end. Took a solid thirty seconds to catch my breath while I walked it off. Took an extra three minutes to walk after the exercise and I felt great and came in here and began to write! I have to go now though because there is this thing called school and it holds some visibility in my life. Till next time faithful readers. Huzzah!
First of all, I'd run in the evening for a long while now, not only because it's hot during the day (90+ in EARLY NOVEMBER), but because no one is out and I feel much more comfortable this way. It turns out no one wanders the streets of Downtown Mesa anyway because they're all over the age of 65. EXCEPT FOR ME.
It was about 88 degrees outside, according to the Weather Channel. But it feels like 81! Unless you're running, in which case it felt like 97. But anyway, the sun made itself known once I got outside (HI BEN HOW ARE YOU) and smirked at me during the entire run. I'd been avoiding its majesty.
For good reason! It was so hot. But realistically, if I am going to run a 5k, it's not going to be at 1 am, unless it's a 5k through back alleys to raise money for sex offenders. But I hear they don't even stay on the trail.
ANYWAY the first three minutes of today's run were brought to you by the Apple iPod, which I left at work, and I'm totally upset about. So I ran without my music OR without my nocturnal instincts. It was challenging as a result! The three minutes came and went, along with my breath and spirit, and I was so not stoked for the five minute run. When the first five minutes was over, I was feeling fine, a little out of breath, but I knew that the rest of the run was manageable. After all, I've come this far, right?
The next three minutes were easy, but I wish I was done at that point. The next five were labor, and I was gassed by the end. Took a solid thirty seconds to catch my breath while I walked it off. Took an extra three minutes to walk after the exercise and I felt great and came in here and began to write! I have to go now though because there is this thing called school and it holds some visibility in my life. Till next time faithful readers. Huzzah!
Monday, November 1, 2010
It ain't all daisies and lollipops
Although I'm running a lot, I'm also doing other diet and exercise.
The diet is difficult because I need to actively monitor EVERYTHING that I eat. I find that if I'm home, I'll eat less because I'm so sick of cooking for my health. It takes time. Time to wash things, time to eat the hundreds of edamame, and time away from everything else in my life that's important (like blogging). But in the end, a healthy diet is probably the most significant component of losing weight for MY body.
The exercise (more anaerobic than aerobic) is great because it keeps my high health standards at optimal levels during the days between runs. It's only 10 minutes a day so I don't strain myself for the runs. I make sure to stretch because it keeps the body in a green-light mode where you can just turn up your activity levels without feeling tightness, fatigue, etc.
I don't have the system together to a point where I'm happy, but it'll get there. I'm just finding what works for me right now. There has been a lot of progress but I'm tired of waiting. I demand to see results when I put this much work in, but that's not how exercise works, and that's not how my body works.
I'm going to have to start documenting this a lot better. It will be good to reflect on all of this progress later. But it will be personal documentation. The writing is great because I can actually look at my accomplishments (you can also observe your own body to see results but the way you see yourself in the mirror is through the most biased lenses of personal reflection) and know exactly how I felt at that time. I won't want to go to a time before. This is my third time losing a substantial amount of weight. The first time...I really don't know how I did it, but I remember it sucked and I didn't get much sleep. The second time was great, and a hell of an effort, but gaining (thanks English language for making gaining sound good) the weight back was remarkably depressing. I had to block it out of my mind, but it really caught up with me.
Growing up, I was fat. So long and thanks for all of the burritos, family. It wasn't the best thing in the world. Being fat in East Los Angeles public schools was terrible. You were a target when you hung out before school, during class, between classes, during lunch, and after school. You always had to keep your guard up. Kids in East LA weren't mean, they were ruthless. But it's a tired story because everyone goes through with it.
I hated it. Why keep going back? It almost seems like there is a futility tied to my metabolism, that no matter what I do, I'll always end up fat. No matter how much I exercise, I'll always go back! And that's what makes it so hard to get off the couch and go outside for a run. And it's almost impossible to do it consistently when I know that I'll either quit afterward, feel totally insecure and have a horrible experience, or that it will have minimal impact and the lack of results means the work is not worth it. I mean, I already gained the weight back once (and in the process destroyed all of my previous progress). Why even bother?
Well, I'm taking years off of my life with that mentality. I'm stumbling around in depression. I'm letting emotion rule my life instead of reason. And it's frustrating. So when I go out to run now, I have to abandon my previous notion of exercise. I have to feel confident and trust that the work I put in right now will pay off in dividends. I know that exercise isn't something that I'll do this summer, or this fall, or to get ready for Christmas where I see all of my family, or to get ready for the next reunion...it's something I'll be doing for the rest of my life. So I can't afford to take a break, ever.
It's a question of motivation, of confidence, self-esteem, etc. Because of our environments, it's also heavily dependent on how stressful our lives may be, how much time we have to devote to exercise (in all honesty, if you have NO time, time to exercise = how much you sleep - 20 minutes). And those are the questions that really affect our lifestyles. I haven't noticed a significant increase in drive, so I don't recognize that the exercise so far has increased my overall stamina, energy during the day, etc. (I'm sure it has, but like looking yourself in the mirror, it can be difficult to see progress). It has been good overall and I can't stop living this way for me, for my family, and for my future.
It's not easy, but then again, it's not the Dark Ages and I'm not fearing for my life every day, I'm not a slave, I'm not a prisoner...I'm free and I have the freedom to make good choices for my body. I need to choose not to embrace a sedentary lifestyle because it would be a terrible decision to let myself get carried away with laziness and carelessness. It's not exactly the best environment (America: the recipe for getting fat) to grow up around, but there are many tools and resources and people that are willing to work with you to turn your life around and excel in every aspect (and squash each insecurity, shortcoming). We're privileged in this way. And ultimately, that's why I think we should all vote for Harry Mitchell this November. Thank you and goodnight.
The diet is difficult because I need to actively monitor EVERYTHING that I eat. I find that if I'm home, I'll eat less because I'm so sick of cooking for my health. It takes time. Time to wash things, time to eat the hundreds of edamame, and time away from everything else in my life that's important (like blogging). But in the end, a healthy diet is probably the most significant component of losing weight for MY body.
The exercise (more anaerobic than aerobic) is great because it keeps my high health standards at optimal levels during the days between runs. It's only 10 minutes a day so I don't strain myself for the runs. I make sure to stretch because it keeps the body in a green-light mode where you can just turn up your activity levels without feeling tightness, fatigue, etc.
I don't have the system together to a point where I'm happy, but it'll get there. I'm just finding what works for me right now. There has been a lot of progress but I'm tired of waiting. I demand to see results when I put this much work in, but that's not how exercise works, and that's not how my body works.
I'm going to have to start documenting this a lot better. It will be good to reflect on all of this progress later. But it will be personal documentation. The writing is great because I can actually look at my accomplishments (you can also observe your own body to see results but the way you see yourself in the mirror is through the most biased lenses of personal reflection) and know exactly how I felt at that time. I won't want to go to a time before. This is my third time losing a substantial amount of weight. The first time...I really don't know how I did it, but I remember it sucked and I didn't get much sleep. The second time was great, and a hell of an effort, but gaining (thanks English language for making gaining sound good) the weight back was remarkably depressing. I had to block it out of my mind, but it really caught up with me.
Growing up, I was fat. So long and thanks for all of the burritos, family. It wasn't the best thing in the world. Being fat in East Los Angeles public schools was terrible. You were a target when you hung out before school, during class, between classes, during lunch, and after school. You always had to keep your guard up. Kids in East LA weren't mean, they were ruthless. But it's a tired story because everyone goes through with it.
I hated it. Why keep going back? It almost seems like there is a futility tied to my metabolism, that no matter what I do, I'll always end up fat. No matter how much I exercise, I'll always go back! And that's what makes it so hard to get off the couch and go outside for a run. And it's almost impossible to do it consistently when I know that I'll either quit afterward, feel totally insecure and have a horrible experience, or that it will have minimal impact and the lack of results means the work is not worth it. I mean, I already gained the weight back once (and in the process destroyed all of my previous progress). Why even bother?
Well, I'm taking years off of my life with that mentality. I'm stumbling around in depression. I'm letting emotion rule my life instead of reason. And it's frustrating. So when I go out to run now, I have to abandon my previous notion of exercise. I have to feel confident and trust that the work I put in right now will pay off in dividends. I know that exercise isn't something that I'll do this summer, or this fall, or to get ready for Christmas where I see all of my family, or to get ready for the next reunion...it's something I'll be doing for the rest of my life. So I can't afford to take a break, ever.
It's a question of motivation, of confidence, self-esteem, etc. Because of our environments, it's also heavily dependent on how stressful our lives may be, how much time we have to devote to exercise (in all honesty, if you have NO time, time to exercise = how much you sleep - 20 minutes). And those are the questions that really affect our lifestyles. I haven't noticed a significant increase in drive, so I don't recognize that the exercise so far has increased my overall stamina, energy during the day, etc. (I'm sure it has, but like looking yourself in the mirror, it can be difficult to see progress). It has been good overall and I can't stop living this way for me, for my family, and for my future.
It's not easy, but then again, it's not the Dark Ages and I'm not fearing for my life every day, I'm not a slave, I'm not a prisoner...I'm free and I have the freedom to make good choices for my body. I need to choose not to embrace a sedentary lifestyle because it would be a terrible decision to let myself get carried away with laziness and carelessness. It's not exactly the best environment (America: the recipe for getting fat) to grow up around, but there are many tools and resources and people that are willing to work with you to turn your life around and excel in every aspect (and squash each insecurity, shortcoming). We're privileged in this way. And ultimately, that's why I think we should all vote for Harry Mitchell this November. Thank you and goodnight.
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