Baseline

I need to figure out who I am. I have an idea of what I like and don't like, what I'd prefer to say and not say, what I tend to say and don't say...tendencies, habits, etc. I know what I do, how I act, how I respond...but I don't know what this makes me. I suppose if we add up all of my experiences, we arrive at the conclusion that "This is B and he is the sum of these infinitesimal experiences."

But I can't add up all of these experiences because I forget them. I write some of them down, but I simply can't keep track of all of my actions, thoughts, etc. I'm also always changing. People may keep some sort of consistency, some may change more than others, but it's probably too complex to explain mathematically. We can use concepts to explain (and grossly simplify) moods, tendencies, etc., by saying someone is "aggressive" which is a relative, qualitative, but not a valuable descriptor. But it's satisfying. Most people are content with their definition of "aggressive" even if they don't understand the word, but associate with the feeling of "aggressive". It's these poor, qualitative understandings which make the possibility of a strict quantitative understanding more desirable. But I don't know if it's practical or possible to accurately model these traits, descriptors, etc. quantitatively. It might be in a few hundred years. But I'm not a neuroscientist, nor am I an asshole who looks up ideas on Wikipedia as a basis for creating a hypothesis, so I am not confident on where to start.

I'm convinced I have a baseline. A quantitative character that has a mean value, infrequent spikes, a multi-dimensional potential spectrum of actions or emotions at any given time that is constrained by my environment, my state of mind, my conscious state, etc. And I want to approach this baseline in a qualitative way while thinking of it in a quantitative way. There's potential pitfalls here, and I'm sure I'll discover them as I get deeper into this way of thinking.

I have to approach it in this way because I don't know how to calculate or normalize my quantitative baseline. Nor do I know how to describe myself relative to any other baseline, or even accurately compare myself to other humans, if only able to say I'm "more or less of an asshole than my friend X".

So what am I proposing? Not sure yet. But I'll get there. I want to explore this idea further. But I'm interested enough so that I'm certain I will develop this idea.

It's an attempt at being scientific while failing to be science. I can't perform this test on myself and assume that my results will be accurate, precise, or both. But I'm going to try to resemble science. If I approach this scientifically, it will be "less credible" but not "complete bullshit".

So it sounds largely unfocused, all over the place, full of ignorance. This is how I like to start ideas (and ironically, how some people end them). I LOVE to start ideas this way. It's not exciting for the reader (and potentially very frustrating). But its progression attempts to consider all possibilities, while assuming that all new ideas are subject to immense criticism. When I hear an idea, my immediate reaction is to beat the hell out of it with argument. So I pound the hell out of ideas until I'm left with only what I understand.

This is a point which contributes both to my understanding of my baseline and the idea of a baseline. I want to approach understanding of both by methodically going over a long list of topics.

So where do I stand right now? I suppose I would benefit from additional information about myself. This isn't so much about understanding my concept of a baseline, but rather my own baseline, which makes this problem solving increasingly unscientific. My goal isn't to be able to describe myself, but to know myself better. The two ideas are separate in my mind. But I can use them complementary.

How would I describe myself without lying? This is certainly where the unscientific aspects of this investigation reveal themselves. I'm going to assume that I'm being completely rational, insightful, and truthful. This will obviously be a shortcoming of the investigation and perhaps later I can come up with a bullshit theory that describes the standard deviation of my own descriptions of myself to get an idea of the immense error associated with my descriptions. It would be a fun exercise in futility.

What are my strengths and weaknesses?

I'm Smart, Funny, Self-aware, Intellectual, Confident, Wise, Patient, and Focused.

I'm Insecure, Defensive, Emotional, Insensitive, Lazy, Irresponsible, Undisciplined, and Wasteful.

It's likely that the ones I listed first are more truthful (at least in the way I see myself or how others have expressed seeing me). What's encouraging is that I have very valuable strengths and weaknesses that can be easily nurtured.

Weaknesses: It feels weird to write about these. I feel insecure, emotional, and defensive in anticipation of my conclusions. I've dealt with insecurity (and its many violent shades) for a very long time. I suppose I'm naturally defensive. I can become very emotional because I make a substantial effort to suppress my emotions. As a result I'm not easily offended, but when something breaks that layer I can become very defensive. But it takes a lot. It's funny that Insecure, Defensive, and Emotional go so well together, as Insensitive, Lazy, and Irresponsible go together. For ease I suppose I can characterize the two as IDE and ILI. IDE seems to be more external emotion and ILI seems to be more internal. I struggle with ILI in that there are situations in which I can become IL&I. I can put on weight, lose discipline, lose track of my priorities (stop caring), and enter depression. It just sounds like depression. If it looks like depression, sounds like depression, and walks like depression, it probably needs Xanax.

But I'm not depressed right now, which is good. I've been able to counteract previous depression with a solid exercise regimen, lots and lots of book-reading (this is a new, awesome habit), and a strict devotion to excellence in my studies (which, when I don't execute, gives me depression!). I'll sometimes get depressive thoughts as a result of minor failures, but I'm convinced that's just life. That may take some unconvincing. I don't know how bad my depressions are relative to others, so I can't make conclusions. I am confident that I don't have "depression horror stories" that I often hear, and I've never once felt like I don't want to get out of bed, or that things are pointless...so I suppose that's a good thing. I also don't drink or do drugs so I'm always able to clearly focus on my problems or shortcomings.

I'm devoted to improving myself. I'm already doing fairly well, but I see tremendous room for improvement.

And of my strengths? I think very highly of myself so it's concerning when I don't meet my potential. I cannot be shaken from the idea that I'm smart, funny, or self-aware. I'm satisfied with these strengths and will continue to nurture them and the rest that I listed. My strengths almost nurture themselves naturally, so the majority of my focus goes into my weaknesses.

This raised some interesting questions as I wrote, and I'm going to have to go back and reassess my perspective. I know there is a lot of work in approaching a suitable way to analyze myself. At least a personally satisfying method. Interesting.